英语演讲稿开场白幽默
  As a speaker, I’ve only had two plaints from audiences. One, that I talk so loud they can’t fall asleep. And two, that I talk so long they can’t stay awake.
  创新句子：你们或者睡觉，或者不睡，只要不打呼噜，我就接着讲。
  As a speaker, he has often been pared to Abraham Lincoln delivering the Gettysburg Address. When he finishes his speech, there is also sorrow, tears and mourning ---- especially by the program mittee.
  幽默注释：演讲者讲得太糟糕了，组织者哭得很伤心。
  Poise is when you finish your speech and the toastmaster thanks you for taking time out of your busy schedule to be a part of their program --- and you nod and smile graciously knowing full well that the only thing on your calendar is a little coffee from breakfast.
  幽默注释：一些老干部退休后没什么事干，有人请他参加一些活动，他还假装很忙，好象推开了很多事才赶去似的。
  I used to get nervous when giving a speech but then I read that it helps to think of the entire audience as being naked. And so, at this very moment, I’m standing up here imagining every one in this audience as being naked. And it really works. I no suffer from nervousness. Eye strain. Yes.
  幽默注释：把观众想象成裸体，意思是我不怕你们，就不紧张了。
  创新句子：大部分人站在讲台上都会有点儿紧张，我属于少部分人，我非常紧张。
  Personally, I have never been conceited --- and I can’t tell you how much I admire myself for that.
  幽默句子：他因为自己不自负，所以变得非常骄傲。
  创新句子：我一点儿都不自负，我希望别人也这么看我。
  Let me put this into plain English. I’ll translate it for the lawyers later.
  幽默注释：律师总喜欢用复杂的语言，简单的话都听不懂了。
  创新句子：我的讲话有三个版本，小学生版本，中学生版本，大学生版本，你是听小学一年纪版的，还是小学二年纪版的?
  If you’ve already heard this story, please don’t stop me because it’s the only one I know.
  幽默注释：就是你知道两个故事，讲故事前也可以这么说。
  创新句子：我讲个笑话，如果你们听过，也希望装做没听过，我也这样照顾你们。
小学生英语演讲稿  Making a speech is like watering a lawn. You’re satisfied if just a quarter of it sinks in.
  幽默注释：有人打呼噜，有人说话，都是正常的，有四分之一观众听就不错了。
  At the very start, let me just say that we both have something in mon. You don’t know what I’m going to say --- and neither do I.
  幽默句子：即兴演讲的开场白。
  创新句子：我不知道你们会不会喜欢我的演讲，我不知道我要讲点儿什么。
  Before I begin, I want you to know that the following speech has been edited for television. I cut 20 minutes out of it so we could all get home in time for the game on channel 2.
  幽默注释：放着现场不看，偏要回家在电视上看。
  As some of you may know, I’m appearing here tonight for two very good reasons. The first reason is your Program Committee was trying to find a speaker who’s intelligent, entertaining, sophisticated --- and they did. The second reason is, he got sick so they called me.
  幽默注释：一开始好象在说自己很牛，其实就是个临时替场。
  创新句子：我认为我演讲很幽默，可为什么没人笑呢?
  Some people suffer from stage fright. I don’t. The stage doesn’t bother me at all. It’s the audience that scares the hell out of me!
  幽默注释：stage fright舞台恐惧症，而不是舞台吓唬我。
  At one time or another, I think each of us has wished we could turn back the clock. I know if I could turn back the clock just 45 minutes, I’d be the happiest person in this room. Because that’s when I left my speech on the kitchen table.
  幽默注释：自己上台前还在刻苦练习，演讲稿落家里了，讲错了希望观众包涵。
  I don’t want to brag, but the last time I did this it brought the audience to its feet. And they never sat down again until they reached their cars.
  幽默注释：观众听他演讲，都站起来走了，他还在吹牛呢。
  创新句子：我演讲时用一种平缓的语速娓娓道来，观众睡得很香甜。
  If I’m a little hesitant, you’ll have to excuse me. This is the first after-dinner speech I’ve ever made ---except for yelling at my kids in McDonald’s.
  幽默注释：自嘲自己演讲没什么经历。
  创新句子：你可能知道我已经养成了饭后演讲的习惯。
  I’m not used to speaking to such a large audience. The one thing that gives me courage is that I’m speaking on my favorite subject --- me.
  幽默注释：电视上老是邀请一些名人在那儿大谈自己，这些人开场可以这么说。
  People always ask me why I wear a big red ten gallon hat (or some other very noticeable article of clothing) and I tell them. It has to do with taking a positive but practical view of life. For instance, I know that no matter what happens, the good Lord is watching over us. Then again, there are now six billion of us, so I want to make darn sure He can pick me out of the crowd.
  幽默注释：多么新颖的创意，戴顶绿帽子就想引起上帝注意。
  创新句子：别再说谎了，趁上帝还没注意你。
  With your permission, I’m going to read this paper. I’m going to read it for three reasons: one, I have a very poor memory –and the other two I can’t remember.
  幽默注释：为自己忘词好借口。
  创新句子：我记忆力不好，我忘了把讲稿带来。