1
You know, Bart,
when I was your age,
2
I pulled a few boners.
3
But I think you'll find
that people are
4
- if you give them half-
- Look! There it is-
5
- The head!
- Kill him!
6
They got us cornered, boy.
We'll never get away. Give me the head.
7
No, Dad. This whole thing
was my fault.
8
- You run along.
-
Son, we're in this mess together.
9
No matter how
tempting it might be,
10
I can't let my only boy get ripped
limb from limb by a bloodthirsty mob.
11
- Aw, Dad.
- We'll die together, like a father and son should.
12
Look.
Now we'vegot 'em.
13
- Hey, that's Homer Simpson.
- And his kid, Bart.
14
- Let's kill them!
- Bring 'em out!
15
- off the kid, man. Off him!
- Kill Bart!
16
- Kill Homer!
- Let's kill this guy!
17
Murderous mob,
I beg you to spare our lives.
18
At least until you've heard
the story of how we
19
with the head
ofour beloved town founder.
20
How long will
this story take?
21
Uh, about 23 minutes
and 5 seconds.
22
- It's too long!
- 23:05?
23
Well, all right.
Go ahead.
24
Okay. It all started
Sunday morning.
25
Kids!
We're late for church.
26
Get your butts
down here right now!
27
- Ready for inspection, Mom.
- Very nice, Maggie.
28
And, Lisa,
you look lovely.
29
Bart,
assume the position.
30
- Ohh!
-
Bart.
31
Now where's your father?
32
- Phillips has broken free.
- Get 'em. Get 'em!
33
- The 50, the 40, the 30, the 20, the 10.
- Oh, no!
34
- Touchdown! -
Homer? - D'oh!
35
A 64-yardrun!
We've got an upset in the making!
36
No, we don't.
Ty being objective for once in- Oh?
37
- Let's go, Homer.
- But you don't understand, Marge.
38
I have 50 bucks
riding on this game.
39
Homer,
you promised me.
40
- This isn't gambling, Marge.
41
- It's a lead-pipe cinch.
- Here's the kick off.
42
Wolodarsky takes it at the five.
And oh, my. He fumbles!
43
- Oh, no!
- Another touchdown!
44
- Come on.
45
Why should I feel like a traffic cop
every Sunday morning?
46
I'm just tying to get
a little goodness into the family.
47
- Where is it? The game! Where is it?
48
- Ahh!
- ... got Wolodarsky open in the end zone.
49
- Catch it. Catch it.
- It's complete. Touchdown!
50
All right!
51
Oh, Doctor, we got
a barnburner here.
52
This could be the most remarkable
comeback since Lazarus rose from the dead.
53
Laza who?
54
Come on, eveybody.
We're late.
55
Bart, I want you to promise me you'll
pay attention in Sunday school.
56
Bart. Bart?
57
- Bart!
- Whoa! Are you talking to me?
58
What's this?
A personal stereo.
59
Were you going to listen
to rock music in Sunday school?
60
- Maybe.
- Can you believe this, Homer? Homer?
61
- Homer!
- No, no, no! We stink. We stink.
62
.
..the 40, the 30,
the 20, the 10. Touchdown!
63
Homer,
were you planning on sitting
in the car till the game was over?
64
- Maybe.
- It's because of your
65
that Bart thinks he can sneak
headphones into Sunday school.
66
- Now move it!
- Now here's the kickoff. Wolodarsky takes it.
67
And oh my. He fumbles!
68
Will my dog Pepper
be there?
69
I'm sorry,
but the answer is no.
70
- Why not?
- Because heaven is for people.
71
What about my cat,
Snowball?
72
I'm sorry,
but the answer is no.
73
-
Will there be cavemen in heaven?
- Certainly not.
74
Um, ma'am, what if you're
a really good person,
75
but you're in a really,
really
76
and your leg gets gangrene,
and it has to be amputated.
77
Will it be waiting
for you in heaven?
78
For the last time,
Bart, yes!
79
- I'd like to begin today's
sermon, which I have entitled,
80
"Gambling,
the Eighth Deadly Sin. "
81
Today is Sunday,
the Lord's day,
82
and yet,
at this vey moment,
83
millions of americans
are not in the Lord's house.
84
They're in their own house
worshipping a false idol-
85
professional football.
86
- Oh, Lord-
worshipping- It's a beautiful Sunday.
87
Perfect football weather
for this incredible game.
88
-
And by the way,
this game is being brought
89
by the good people
at Duffbeer.
90
You can't
of that wonderful Duff.
91
Now they're lining up
fort his crucial kick.
92
One final tick
of the clock remains.
93
If they win, it will cap
anamazing comeback.
94
But it's a 49-yardfieldgoal
into the wind.
95
Make it! Make it!
Make it! Make it!
96
- The kick is up.
- Oh, please, please, please, please!
97
- Holy Toledo, it's good!
- It's good! It's good! It's good!
98
good to see
you all in church.
99
-
Please, be seated, Homer.
- Yeah, sit down, Homer.
100
The ventriloquist goes to heaven,
but the dummy doesn't.
101
- Oh, oh, oh! Me!
- Bart?
102
What about a robot
with a human brain?
103
I don't know!
All these questions!
104
Is a little blind faith
too much to ask?
105
- Yea!
106
Don't forget next week.
Remember to read-
107
That was very nice,
Father.
108
I was pleased
you enjoyed it.
109
I seemed to have struck a chord
with you today, Homer.
110
What? Oh, yeah,
you were great.
111
- Homer.
112
Homer, you embarrassed us in front
of the whole congregation.
113
And today's sermon was one
you should have really listened to.
114
- What was it about?
-
Gambling.
115
Oh. He didn't say that under certain
circumstances it was all right, did he?
116
No! Look. I don't want to talk about
this anymore in front of the kids.
117
Lisa, Bart,
118
what did you two learn
in Sunday school today?
119
The answers to deep
theological questions.
120
Yeah. Among other things,
apes can't get into heaven.
121
What? Those cute
little monkey
s?
122
- That's terrible. Who told you that?
- Our teacher.
123
I can understand how they wouldn't
let in those wild jungle apes,
124
but what about those really
smart ones who live among us,
125
who roller-skate
and smoke cigars?
126
Oh, cool, man.
Space Mutants 4.
127
Drop me off!.
Drop me off!.
128
- No way, Jose.
- Marge, they're only space mutants.
129
Uh-uh. I know what
those movies are like.
130
Killing innocent people,
eating human flesh.
131
You'll just get
a lot of bad ideas.
132
Hey, Dad.
Can I have five bucks?
133
I hope you're not planning
to see a
134
starring certain
135
that a certain mother didn't
want you to see.
136
Perish the thought.
137
Here you go, son. Share the wealth.
That's what I always say.
138
Ooh!
139
Da da da da da
Whoa! Whoa!
140
Ooh, cowabunga!
141
-
Hey, hot dog!
- What?
142
- Nice dismount, man.
143
- Didn't hurt.
- Oh, yeah? Well, do it again.
144
Nah. Might land on my face
and end up looking like you.
145
-
You little punk!
146
Hey, man, leave the kid alone.
I like him.
147
- You do?
- Yeah, you're witty.
148
- So what's your name, man?
- I'm Bart Simpson.
149
This here's Kearny,
and I'm Jimbo.
150
You don't need an introduction.
You're the worst kid in school.
151
- Thanks.
- Psst. Coast is clear.
152
You guys
are sneaking in?
153
- Yeah. Only saps pay to see movies.
- Hey, Bart, come on!
154
But sneaking into a movie is
practically stealing, man.
155
- " Practically"?
- It is stealing.
156
Well, okay. I just wanted to make sure
we weren't deluding ourselves.
157
Wait! I think
I hear something.
158
Oh, come on.
Loosen up, babe.
159
There's nobody here
but you and me.
160
No. Stop it!
161
I think I
not human.
162
Let's get romantic.
163
Well, okay.
164
You little sneaks,
you're coming with me.
165
Next time you little hoodlums
ty this, I'm calling your parents!
166
Oh, yeah? Well, we don't wanna see
your crummy movie anyway.
167
Yeah. We'll take
our business elsewhere.
168
You know, Bart.
169
I've been kicked out
of all four Space Mutant movies.
170
Wow, man.
171
Three jumbo
chery squisheys,
172
- and one double jumbo original flavor, sir.
- Okay.
173
Don't you kids take anything.
I'm watching you.
174
- I've got eyes in the back of my head.
175
- Four fifty-two.
- Don't worry, guys. It's on me.
176
Share the wealth.
That's what I always say.
177
Guys?
178
Guys?
179
Hey, guys.
Where'd you get all that great stuff?
180
Five-finger discount,
man.
181
-
You ripped it off?
- Yeah. Thanks for covering for us, man.
182
- Go on, Bart.
- But that guy founded Springfield.
183
He built our first hospital
out of logs and mud.
184
If it weren't for him,
all the settlers wou
ld
185
in the great blizzard
of '48.
186
So?
187
<
188
watch me hit him
right between the eyes.
189
What are you doing? Show a little
respect, you insolent little thugs.
190
We're really scared.
191
Hey! Hey, you!
Hey! Hey, you!
192
You know, when you
look up at clouds in the sky,
193
they start looking
like stuff.
194
- No, they don't.
- Yeah, they do.
195
Like that one over there
looks just like a cherry bomb.
196
Hey, you're right.
And look at that one.
197
It looks like a guy with
a switchblade stuck in his back.
198
Yeah, that one
looks like a
199
going over a cliff in flames,
with kids inside screaming.
200
That one looks just like the statue of
our town founder, Jebediah Springfield.
201
- Does not.
- Does too.
202
- I mean, without the head, of course.
- Oh, yeah.
203
I wish someone really would cut
his ugly old head off.
204
- You do?
- Yeah, that'd be cool.
205
Sure would cheese
eveybody off.
206
But, guys, come on.
Don't you remember history class?
207
Jebediah once killed
a bear with his bare hands.
208
- Oh, sorry.
- We forgot how much you love Jebediah Springfield.
209
- Yeah, he's your boyfriend.
- Yeah!
210
- Come on, guys. Knock it off.
- Beat it, Simpson.
211
Man, I thought
you were cool.
212
Beat it, Simpson.
213
Man, I thought
you were cool.
214
Aha!
215
Wow! Look at these
bowling balls, Maggie.
216
Can you think of a better way for
Daddy to spend his hard-won 50 bucks?
217
Now I've seen everything.
218
Black marbleized
with a liquid center.
219
"The Stealth Bowler:
The pins don't know what hit them. "
220
Dad, can I talk to you
about something?
221
Sure, boy.
What's on your mind?
222
Well, I was wondering.
How important is it to be popular?
223
I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular
is the most important thing in the world.
224
So, like, sometimes you could
do stuff you think is
225
so other kids
will like you better?
226
- You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?
- No.
227
- Are you?
- No!
228
Then run along,
you little scamp.
229
A boy without mischiefis like a
bowling ball without a liquid center.
230
What have I done?
231
Bart, are you allright?
232
Uh, yeah.
Top of the world, Ma.
233
Well, then come down
for breakfast.
234
- Ooh! Look at this one.
235
"The Hammer of Thor:
It will send your
236
Val-halla. " Lisa?
237
Valhalla is where Vikings
go when they die.
238
Oh.
That's some ball.
239
Good morning,
eveybody.
240
We interrupt "Mamboin the Morning"...
241
to bring you
this special news bulletin.
242
The statue of Jebediah Springfield,
our illustrious town founder,
243
-
was brutally decapitated
244
in an act
of senseless vandalism.
245
We now go to Police
Chief Wiggum
at City Hall.
246
Well, we have no witnesses,
no suspects, and no leads.
247
If anyone has any information,
please dial "O" and ask for the police.
248
That number again,"O."
249
Stay tuned to
250
for further developments as they break.
251
- It's just a statue.
-
The statue of the trail blazing founder of our town.
252
It's a symbol of what we can all do
if we put our minds to it.
253
Just a statue?
254
Is the Statue of Liberty
just a statue?
255
Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza
just a statue?
256
- Uh-oh. School bus.
257
Come on, Lis.
School bus.
258
Go on, Lisa. We've all got
to be brave, just
259
- when he killed that bear.
-
It's so awful.
260
Okay, come on,
come on, everybody.
261
We gotta get on
with our lives.
262
Let's ty and put
this tragedy behind us.
263
You're right, Moe.
264
A beer, please, and make sure
there's a head on it.
265
I said it before, and I'll say it again.
266
" Hell in a handbasket!"
267
I hope they find
the punk who did this,
268
and I hope
they cut his head off.
269
Yeah!
270
Hi, guys.
What's up?
271
We were saying we'd love to meet the
guy who cut off the head of that statue.
272
- Yeah, we wish he were here right now.
273
Oh, really?
274
Yeah, we'd break every bone
in his stupid little body.
275
- Yeah, that's right, man. Limb by limb.
- Yeah!
276
What? But-But yesterday,
didn't you say it would
277
to cut off the head,
and really cheese everybody off?
278
Yeah, that was
just cloud talk, man.
279
Yeah. I mean, throwing rocks
is one thing,
280
but I would never cut
the head off of
281
who iced a bear
with his bare hands.
282
- So what's in the bag, Bart?
- My head.
283
- I said, what's in the bag, Bart?
284
Go ahead, Bart. Tell them.
285
It's the head
of Jebediah Springfield.
286
I gotta go!
287
Look what you've done.
You wanted to be popular.
288
Now you're the most
hated boy in town.
289
You're not really talking to me.
You're just my overactive imagination.
290
- Oh, I am, am I?
- Shut up.
291
I wanted them
to like me.
292
Hmm.
The child seems rattled.
293
- Can you blame him?
- No. No, I can't.
294
There, there, Mr. Burns.
Blow, sir.
295
Hey, Bart,
where are you going?
296
- Uh, to my room.
- Why don't you watch Krusty the Clown?
297
There's someone out there in Krustyland
who has committed an atrocity.
298
If you know who cut off
Jebediah's head-
299
I don't care if it's your brother,
your sister, your daddy or your mommy-
300
turn them in,
and Krusty will
301
- a free slide whistle
just like Sideshow Bob's.
302
- Wait a minute.
303
I hope you're not planning to do
what I think you're doing.
304
Sorry, man.
It's either you or me.
305
You know, Bart, you do
n't
have to found a town to be a hero.
306
Sometimes a hero
could be a
307
with the courage to stand up
and admit he's made a mistake.
308
Yeah, well, I'm running
a little short on courage right now.
309
Aah!
310
Anyway, think about it,
will you, son?
311
Jebediah Obediah
312
came West in 1838.
313
Along the way,
he met a
314
and killed him
with his bare hands.
315
That's " B-A-R-E" hands.
316
Although modern historians
recently
317
that the bear, in fact,
probably killed him.
318
- But whether bear killed man-
-
Mom. Dad.
319
- I knew it all along!
- Why, Bart? Why?
320
Yeah, why?
You little-
321
Because I wanted
some really bad kids to like me.
322
Somehow I got the idea
that
323
was the most important
thing in the world.
324
- Where did you get a
ridiculous idea like that? - Uh-
325
Lay off
the boy, Marge.
326
He's a good kid.
Quit giving him the third degree.
327
Homer, did you have
something to do with this?
328
Well, maybe I am
a little responsible.
329
- A little?
-
Come on, son.
330
Let's take the head thing
back to the authorities.
331
You know, Bart,
when I was your age,
332
I pulled a few boners.
333
But I think you'll find people
are
334
- if you give them half-
- Look! There it is-
335
- The head!
- Kill 'em!
336
- Allright. Allright.
- Allright, already.
337
-
We know this part.
- Oh, yeah, right.
338
Well, that's my story.
339
And if you still wanna tear apart
this young Sunday
340
as he stands on the brink
of salvation,
341
-
I await your wrath.
- Aw!
342
- Somehow I don't feel like killing anymore.
- Neither do I.
343
Dad.
344
- Forgive me, sir.
- No problem, Bart.
345
Look!
It's glorious.
346
It's beautiful, man.
347
- I love you, Smithers.
- The feeling is more than mutual, sir.
348
Whoo!
349
Good going, son.
350
But remember-
Most lynch mobs aren't this nice.
351
Subtitles By
Captions Inc. Los Angeles
352
Shh!